Parenting again: "I like this, this is fun, this feels good"

imageMotherhood doesn’t have to suck, or be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I’m having fun these days, like I am enjoying staying at home and being with my kids.  

All parts of it, and I can’t believe that only a year ago I had sworn off having any more kids.

There is this whisper in the back of my head

“I like this, this is fun, this feels good”

But I’ve been too afraid to say it out loud for fear that it won’t be any more, that suddenly things will change and it won’t feel easy, breezy and fun.

The truth is, that I KNOW it will change, it won’t always be this way, but for right now I’m enjoying what is.

Becoming a parent again allows the chance to do things differently.

I was CA-RAYZEE, the first go around with my son, and I say that lovingly because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

None of us do, and no matter the millions of mothers before me who had all sorts of opinions about how I should parent, I had to figure things out for myself.  

First time motherhood is not everyone’s challenge, for some it comes with ease and grace, I’ve seen people do it.

For some of us it is a challenge.

And for me, I had to learn by doing and experiencing.

I believe some things in life you have to experience in order to know. There is no escaping the pain of going through something challenging, the reward is in the wisdom you gain of having to go through it.   And yet there is still this drive to want to spare people from making the mistakes we made by providing them with all sorts of advice.  

“Don’t do what I did…..”“Don’t buy that…….”“10 things I wish I didn’t do when….”

Shortcuts are nice, and other people’s mistakes giving rise to practical advice can be helpful, but what about our own missed lessons to be learned if we just follow someone else’s path all the time?

If I had not had the experience of being a mother already and making mistakes that I made, I would not be the mother I am today.

I can rationalize and say that R was a more challenging baby, or R didn’t sleep, or R was like this or that, but what I realized is that I’m different this time because I am choosing to be different.

This time I am parenting by instinct, this time I’m giving myself a break, making time for myself, accepting help, getting out of the house and sharing responsibilities

I am not reading other parents blogs, expert sleep books, or filling my mind with “should's” of being a parent.

What works for you and YOUR LIFE, is what you ‘should’ do.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I know that this time I feel better, I’m less irritated and more joyful.

“I like this, this is fun, this feels good”

That whisper gets louder everyday

It's what you NEED, maybe not what you WANT


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA This has been a year full of unexpected wonderful surprises, that will be HUGE life changing moments for our family. I couldn’t be more excited and grateful for where I am today. If I were to define 2015 I would say it has been about transformation, letting go, getting real about money, getting focused on the who I want to BE in work, life, relationship and parenthood, and lots of creation and movement.

Mr. Science and I had planned at the beginning of the year to take a trip to Kauai. Mr. Science had never been and I hadn’t visited since we spread my father ashes there years ago, so we booked my mom’s timeshare in late October, to secure our spot.

We planned this before we knew I was pregnant, or before we were engaged, and at the time our calendar was pretty wide open. We had decided after a busy 2014 year of travel Mr. Science and I agreed that this year, 2015 would be simple, easy, and our big excitement would be this one tropical vacation to Kauai.

And then boom, we were getting ready to be parents again, and planning a wedding in 6 months and, and, and...

And that’s how life is right? Make a plan, shit happens, scrap the plan, make a new plan, shit happens and then let go.

We decided that we would make Kauai our honeymoon & babymoon all wrapped in one. One last trip just me and Mr. Science. Who said the honeymoon had to come after the wedding? And my whole life I have done things backwards, so why stop now.

Kauai was beautiful, we took a helicopter ride and saw the Jurassic Park falls, snorkeled with tropical fish and turtles and swam in the lukewarm water, we ate hawaiian food, tried authentic shaved ice, bird watched, and went to bed at 8 p.m. If you have never been it's definitely worth going.

All this to say and I was totally overwhelmed with the difficulty I had with just being there, with doing NOTHING. With so many of my vices stripped away, internet, facebook, instagram, child, work, meetings, etc. I was left with space, so much space. It was illuminating to see all the many ways I can distract myself from being with myself.

My nature is to move, to do, to plan, and my life consists of keeping track of dates and Ryu’s schedule, his therapy, making his lunch, my work schedule, running my bootcamp business, planning our wedding, getting ready for baby, and my mind was swimming in details that I just couldn’t shut off right away. For the first few days I felt mostly restless, anxious and sad. With the absence of not doing and not rushing around, I was met with pure emotion.

It took some effort on my part, and a few tears being shed to just let those feelings be there AND also have a great time in hawaii. I don’t mean to paint the picture that I was sulking, I was just acutely aware of how badly I needed this vacation, even if it was to show me that I needed to make space for nothing, for staring out the window, for taking a nap, or meditating, or turning off the internet and not pushing, pushing, pushing.

The irony is that I came back from vacation rested and totally in relaxed mode. I have found myself sleeping in later and not feeling so anxious. I have found time to meditate and my clarity and focus on the direction of where I am going seem sharper. I can imagine the birth of little M, and have let go of it needing to be a certain way. And all without doing any “work” I came back to a packed schedule, the fullest I have been since starting working at this clinic.

The saying “you always get what you need, maybe not what you want” rings true for me, and while I’m sure as the days get closer to wedding day, and baby day, life will speed up and I will became wrapped up in the vortex, I hope to be reminded of this trip, all parts of it. The beauty of water and trees, the time alone with Mr. Science, the roosters, fish and turtles, the yummy coffee, and the anxiety, and fear and sadness. I love the idea that you can hold both beauty and ugliness at the same time, and I hope always that this trip reminds me to just observe and let go.