Although I'm thrilled about being a mother again, this pregnancy was not planned. And as I'm starting to feel better and R is off to school I am very aware of the "free" time I have until I will be consumed with baby stuff, sleepless nights, and less oxygen to my brain. So the push is on to create a strong base in all the areas of my life so that when little M arrives I can work on maintaining what I've built.
Fire under ass currently lit.
It may be wrong to liken this to getting 3 months to live, but I keep thinking of that idea as time slowly ticks on and also moves too quickly at the same time.
Was this how my father felt when he was told the news of 6 months to live? How do you prioritize what is most important? What do you do first? What do you not do at all?
While this may be a very existential seemingly grim way of looking at this small amount of time I have before I become a parent of 2 and not of 1, it is the closest thing I can think of to describe the urgency to create, to do, to make.
I hear also the voice in my head to enjoy, to relax, to take a nap and rest, but while I know those are sound words and I do take moments to rest, the bigger urgency arises that soon I will be bigger, soon I will be tired, and soon I will have no energy to put towards these things I want to accomplish.
So I press forward, tying up loose ends, acting on creative impulses, creating creative habits, and only filling up my time with things that are urgent and bring me joy, leaving space for moment likes this one, sitting at a bus stop, where finally a thought came that needed to be written down.
Right or wrong this is my nature. Move create, move create.
We all have a limited time here, that is nothing new, but there is something REAL about having a deadline. And waiting until everything is perfect, or the time is right, or the right moment to present yourself to the world may be too late.
I’m all about the beautiful ugliness, and messiness of STARTING SOMETHING, I love seeing it, I am enjoying doing it, and hearing about it, and sharing it with others. Sure it’s great to hear about the success stories of people going through the tough ugly shit and then become something AMAZING, but I’m more interested in the beginners, the fumbling and bumbling and willingness to be BRAVE and to TRY, you just never know what may come from it. That’s inspiring.