Parenting again: "I like this, this is fun, this feels good"

imageMotherhood doesn’t have to suck, or be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I’m having fun these days, like I am enjoying staying at home and being with my kids.  

All parts of it, and I can’t believe that only a year ago I had sworn off having any more kids.

There is this whisper in the back of my head

“I like this, this is fun, this feels good”

But I’ve been too afraid to say it out loud for fear that it won’t be any more, that suddenly things will change and it won’t feel easy, breezy and fun.

The truth is, that I KNOW it will change, it won’t always be this way, but for right now I’m enjoying what is.

Becoming a parent again allows the chance to do things differently.

I was CA-RAYZEE, the first go around with my son, and I say that lovingly because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

None of us do, and no matter the millions of mothers before me who had all sorts of opinions about how I should parent, I had to figure things out for myself.  

First time motherhood is not everyone’s challenge, for some it comes with ease and grace, I’ve seen people do it.

For some of us it is a challenge.

And for me, I had to learn by doing and experiencing.

I believe some things in life you have to experience in order to know. There is no escaping the pain of going through something challenging, the reward is in the wisdom you gain of having to go through it.   And yet there is still this drive to want to spare people from making the mistakes we made by providing them with all sorts of advice.  

“Don’t do what I did…..”“Don’t buy that…….”“10 things I wish I didn’t do when….”

Shortcuts are nice, and other people’s mistakes giving rise to practical advice can be helpful, but what about our own missed lessons to be learned if we just follow someone else’s path all the time?

If I had not had the experience of being a mother already and making mistakes that I made, I would not be the mother I am today.

I can rationalize and say that R was a more challenging baby, or R didn’t sleep, or R was like this or that, but what I realized is that I’m different this time because I am choosing to be different.

This time I am parenting by instinct, this time I’m giving myself a break, making time for myself, accepting help, getting out of the house and sharing responsibilities

I am not reading other parents blogs, expert sleep books, or filling my mind with “should's” of being a parent.

What works for you and YOUR LIFE, is what you ‘should’ do.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I know that this time I feel better, I’m less irritated and more joyful.

“I like this, this is fun, this feels good”

That whisper gets louder everyday

The Curious Creative

imageThe creative journey has brought up some questions for me. What is difference between pushing and forcing? What are the signs to stop, change direction, and let go? What does it mean when something is draining and not charging/uplifting? Do I sit through the uncomfortableness, or do I abandon ship all together? I have been in business for myself for the past 9 years, this has taken shape in many different ways, etsy businesses, aerial bootcamp, personal trainer, acupuncture practice, air bnb landlord, aerial performer, and other smaller creative projects. I have started and created businesses that have made up the tapestry of my income.

By definition that makes me an entrepreneur, however I’ve never really identified with that term. I identify more with the term creative, because it seems to encompass more of who I am. My desire to create and build an income and be my own boss is in service to support creativity, self development, and helping other people.

The measure by which I gauge if something is worth doing is “Is this fun? does it bring me joy?, does this light me up? If the answer is yes, then my next question is “Will this add to or take away from the lifestyle I want to live (i.e will I still be able to spend time with my children, my husband, and have time for creative pursuits?”) If the answer is Yes. Then the last question is usually “How much of a financial risk will this involve?” If the answer is minimal then I most likely will pursue it. This is my business and life compass, it has nothing to do with numbers or marketing and strategy and everything to do with the feeling I am after.

There is so much information out there on how to build a business, how to create more wealth, how to sell better, how to build your audience, and I actually love a lot of it. I appreciate that there are other creatives out there pursuing their dreams, bringing new ideas and verbage around being a business owner, and making a living doing it.

But the chatter and all the advise can become overwhelming and actually create more confusion for me at times, making the dream of become an creativeprenuer all the more elusive. The do’s and dont’s can sometimes make it difficult to decide when to just put yourself out there with the “ugly” work, or when it is time to wait it out.

“you guys, just get started, sit down and do the work!” - some business coach


“Be vulnerable but don’t share what is personal” - some business coach

And that’s when I have to say “fuck it” and throw it all out, and just listen to what my gut is saying, listen to what I feel like doing, and be willing to risk the mistakes and the hard lessons for the pursuit of doing what I love.

Because the truth is that most of us learn by failing and flailing at something.

I wish that I would see more of the process of the in-between pursuits of the passions in our lives, I wish that while on the way to the bigger dreams of our lives people talked about what its like to be in the middle of something rather than waiting until we reach the top of the mountain, to me that is inspiring, to me that is where the interesting part of life happens.

In the mud and loving it.

Get Messy.

Ten years from now we'll look back at this [challenge] and laugh, so why wait?!?! -Tony Robbins

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Better Questions, More Inspired Answers


Inside us all there is a point of resistance when doing anything, but especially with creative work there comes a time when we want to throw our hands up and scream. “but I don’t WANNA!, urrrggg, I don’t wanna do _______!!!

I feel like this sometimes with my creative endeavors whether it’s performing,writing, or practicing music. I feel the inital excitiment of starting a project and then inevitably at some point I want to kick and scream, and be defiant against myself and say, “but I don’t wanna!, this is stupid!”.

And at that point no one is there to hold me accountable and say

“ i know, but you have to.”

Because I don’t have to do anything, I can quit right at that moment, or I can choose to move forward despite my irritation.

Usually what propels me forward is that the irritation of not doing the thing outweighs my irritation of doing it. It come from a place inside me of NEEDING to, write that blog, finish choregraphing the routine, draw that picture, or play that song, as oppose to a wanting to accomplish something.

If you’ve never experienced this before then it may not make sense, but most of my creative friends have expressed this same idea that it may start as a want, but more it comes from a need to express something within.

I have many such urges in life, mostly none of them having to do with my actual j.o.b, or how I make money. I can spend an afternoon writing and filling my cup with positive thoughts, podcasts, books of people proving that you can live a creative life AND make a living doing it, and I feel most at home in that space. The trouble comes when my censor persists.

Why are you doing this? You SHOULD be working more, towards building your business, you SHOULDN’T be spending time on all this creative stuff, What’s the point, don’t you want to be making more money? SHOULDN’T you focus on making more money doing your existing business? What do you do all day? You SHOULD be more efficient with you time? What’s the point of writing? No one cares? You’ll never make money doing that.

Wheesh! Not so nice right?

We are always the hardest on ourselves, I would NEVER say these things to anyone I know and love, because in my heart of hearts I see their beauty, their gifts, their already amazing success in the world, so why is it so easy to be hard on myself?

Despite those crazy thoughts going through my head I am learning to push forward, to get thick skin, and do it anyways. But as I’ve learned if you ask yourself terrible questions, you will get terrible responses, so in response to my censor I asked myself better questions, to which I found some amazing answers.

Why do you do creative work? How can this help fuel your already existing businesses? How will this improve your relationship with your son? Your fiancé? By pursuing your creative interests how will this make you feel?

It makes me feel good, feminine, free, inspired, happy, passionate, alive It fills my cup, fuels my creative itch, and ultimately gives back to whatever it is I am doing I am working on my business, by figuring out what it is that really makes me happy, what really drives my practice, by learning what I like to do and what I don’t like to do, that will help me make my business fresh and interesting and exciting. This will also help me serve my clients better. I am considering what I think I SHOULD do vs. what I WANT to do and I will be able to do sustainably, long term. I am letting the censor be present but also learning to work with you. How does your input help me? The “point” isn’t to make money specifically with my writing, or these lunch notes, the point is to exercise my creative muscle, otherwise it atrophies, otherwise I atrophy. I am learning about time, and exertion, and using that time to accomplish things. I feel best when I work in smaller amounts of time, getting to spend more time with family, have room for creative inspiration, and fuel my body, soul and spirit.

If you also are working with your censor on whatever project you are doing, try asking yourself better questions.

Better questions give more inspired answers.

Happy to be with you creatives on this journey! Love to hear your creative successes!