Experiment #8: A month of Meditation

 
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Experiment # 8 is underway and I am really enjoying this one.  Simple, good way to start the day and I'm already noticing some change  in how reactive and impulsive I am being. 

Meditation has been a part of my life since I was a teenager and through the years I've had bouts of being really consistent and then times when my I didn't do it at all. 

When I discovered Shambala meditation I was happy to know that we can use anything in our life as a meditation.  But I have to say there is something really special about sitting down for 20 min a day to just be with myself.  
 

Thinking of even doing a meditation retreat this month!  

Seems like the best way to keep up with sharing is on instagram.   One thing that have been challenging about this year long project is keeping up with writing about it here on a regular basis.  O well, can't do it all right?

 

 

Day 12: Let the Awkward be Joyful!

Day 12: I had my third tap lesson with Jill yesterday.  Some things are improving and I'm starting to hear the sounds that my tap shoes should be making.  

Its such a funny feeling to know what your body is suppose to do, but then the body does something completely different  I feel at times like Urkel from Family Matters.  

Jill and I laugh a lot during our lessons, I don't think she realized how uncordinated I am:) 

But, I'm letting the awkward be joyful, I mean if you can't laugh at yourself then whats the point, right?  

Day 9: practice,practice,practice

Day 9: I've been practicing my homework that Jill gives me every week.  In this video you see me reading off a paper, both for my memory and also because I'm still feeling a little sheepish about sharing my process of dance with you. 

The kids are less enthusiastics about me tapping, the youngest usually yells "NO!" when the tap shoes come on.  Jill suggessted maybe getting her tap shoes so she would appreciate it more.  I'm sure my husband would LOVE a house full of click clackers!  

 

Day 5: Tap, Flap, Shuffle, huh?

This was my first tap lesson with my good friend Jill at the end of my work day.  She was a professional dancer for years and has kindly offered to teach these two left feet to dance!  

I am beyond little kid excited about this!  Something about tap dancing that makes you feel so young and spunky!  

My first lesson I quickly learned that the sound of the tap gives away imperfections.  But Jill is such a great teacher that she pushed me just enough out of my comfort zone but I didn't feel discouraged! 

 

Day 3: Trolls music inspiration

 

Day 3:  Dancing with the kids is a nice comfort blanket in this beginning phase of dance.  We did a few rounds of listening to my daughters favorite song from the Trolls Movie.  

I'm trying to document this month the best I can, but I definetly feel an added twinge of anxeity everytime I press record.  

Ah, whatever, Enjoy!

Parenting again: "I like this, this is fun, this feels good"

imageMotherhood doesn’t have to suck, or be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I’m having fun these days, like I am enjoying staying at home and being with my kids.  

All parts of it, and I can’t believe that only a year ago I had sworn off having any more kids.

There is this whisper in the back of my head

“I like this, this is fun, this feels good”

But I’ve been too afraid to say it out loud for fear that it won’t be any more, that suddenly things will change and it won’t feel easy, breezy and fun.

The truth is, that I KNOW it will change, it won’t always be this way, but for right now I’m enjoying what is.

Becoming a parent again allows the chance to do things differently.

I was CA-RAYZEE, the first go around with my son, and I say that lovingly because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

None of us do, and no matter the millions of mothers before me who had all sorts of opinions about how I should parent, I had to figure things out for myself.  

First time motherhood is not everyone’s challenge, for some it comes with ease and grace, I’ve seen people do it.

For some of us it is a challenge.

And for me, I had to learn by doing and experiencing.

I believe some things in life you have to experience in order to know. There is no escaping the pain of going through something challenging, the reward is in the wisdom you gain of having to go through it.   And yet there is still this drive to want to spare people from making the mistakes we made by providing them with all sorts of advice.  

“Don’t do what I did…..”“Don’t buy that…….”“10 things I wish I didn’t do when….”

Shortcuts are nice, and other people’s mistakes giving rise to practical advice can be helpful, but what about our own missed lessons to be learned if we just follow someone else’s path all the time?

If I had not had the experience of being a mother already and making mistakes that I made, I would not be the mother I am today.

I can rationalize and say that R was a more challenging baby, or R didn’t sleep, or R was like this or that, but what I realized is that I’m different this time because I am choosing to be different.

This time I am parenting by instinct, this time I’m giving myself a break, making time for myself, accepting help, getting out of the house and sharing responsibilities

I am not reading other parents blogs, expert sleep books, or filling my mind with “should's” of being a parent.

What works for you and YOUR LIFE, is what you ‘should’ do.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I know that this time I feel better, I’m less irritated and more joyful.

“I like this, this is fun, this feels good”

That whisper gets louder everyday

This 9 months sentence, and I don't mean it how you think.

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Although I'm thrilled about being a mother again, this pregnancy was not planned. And as I'm starting to feel better and R is off to school I am very aware of the "free" time I have until I will be consumed with baby stuff, sleepless nights, and less oxygen to my brain. So the push is on to create a strong base in all the areas of my life so that when little M arrives I can work on maintaining what I've built.

Fire under ass currently lit.

It may be wrong to liken this to getting 3 months to live, but I keep thinking of that idea as time slowly ticks on and also moves too quickly at the same time.

Was this how my father felt when he was told the news of 6 months to live? How do you prioritize what is most important? What do you do first? What do you not do at all?

While this may be a very existential seemingly grim way of looking at this small amount of time I have before I become a parent of 2 and not of 1, it is the closest thing I can think of to describe the urgency to create, to do, to make.

I hear also the voice in my head to enjoy, to relax, to take a nap and rest, but while I know those are sound words and I do take moments to rest, the bigger urgency arises that soon I will be bigger, soon I will be tired, and soon I will have no energy to put towards these things I want to accomplish.

So I press forward, tying up loose ends, acting on creative impulses, creating creative habits, and only filling up my time with things that are urgent and bring me joy, leaving space for moment likes this one, sitting at a bus stop, where finally a thought came that needed to be written down.

Right or wrong this is my nature. Move create, move create.

We all have a limited time here, that is nothing new, but there is something REAL about having a deadline. And waiting until everything is perfect, or the time is right, or the right moment to present yourself to the world may be too late.

I’m all about the beautiful ugliness, and messiness of STARTING SOMETHING, I love seeing it, I am enjoying doing it, and hearing about it, and sharing it with others. Sure it’s great to hear about the success stories of people going through the tough ugly shit and then become something AMAZING, but I’m more interested in the beginners, the fumbling and bumbling and willingness to be BRAVE and to TRY, you just never know what may come from it. That’s inspiring.

Declarations, Proclamations, and OUT LOUD goals for Accountability

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For the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy I wanted to die. No joke. If I thought my first pregnancy was terrible with the nausea, this one really took the cake. I literally couldn’t make it to the bathroom to puke and so I would just do so on the floor. I know gross.

I even broke down at some point and finally was going to take the nausea medication but our dog, who doesn’t ever chew up anything of ours but mail and paper, ate my prescription. It was a sad moment, but I forgave him because shortly after everything subsided. Thank GOD!!!

Its nice to have the brain space to think about other things not related to food or not eating food. I have started to feel like my old self again, slightly heavier, and more round in the front, but myself.

Maybe it’s because I feel grateful for being spared the nausea for the next 16 weeks that has me in a creative frenzy, maybe it’s my nearing 37th birthday, but lately I’ve been feeling in the mood to get some things done, feeling inspired to create, to write, to make the most of this time I have before I will be writing a different story, which I know will be drastically different.

I'm ready to set some intentions and declarations, out loud this time to the internet world. I'd love the accountability and community, so if any of the following resonates with you, please join me! I’ll be your accountability buddy!

#1. 1 blog post a week: I’ve written for sometime now off and on, its comedic at this point how many blogs I have, but if you care to check any of my other writing out here are a couple of them: https://oneyearlovelife.wordpress.com https://authenticallyradical.wordpress.com

#2. Committed to drawing horrible pictures for my son's lunch: #Lunchnotes: Passion project, a project for no reason, a just because project, a creative habit.

#3. Diet of mostly positive, inspirational and awesome information: I’m in the infancy stage of creativity (again),and there is no room for negative self talk and nay sayers. I mostly got tired of wondering what my focus was, what I was trying to create,say, or wanting to do next and letting it get in my way, so I am allowing myself the time to just do whatever feels right, and screw the “why”, and listen to the positive voices that are doing things despite not having a direction. Hopefully my why will become clear but I’m happy with just enjoying the process for now.

I'll leave you with a list of a few podcasts, books, people I’m inspired by right now, 37 is going to be a great year!!!

People: Tiffany Han, Danielle La Porte, Brene Brown, Tara Mohr, Books: Girl on a Train, You are a Baddass, Playing Big, The Desire Map, The Fire Starter Sessions, The Gifts of Imperfection, 10,000 ways to listen, The War of Art Podcasts: The Good Life Project, Raise Your Hand Say Yes!, On Being On the Cue Books: The Creative Habit, Losing My Virginity: Richard Branson, Dolly Parton's Memoir.

Till next week!

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