I signed up for an 8 week business coaching course in hopes of really taking my business to the next level. I wanted it to help give me some accountability in my business and increase my wealth consciousness. I hoped to create good habits and make big changes and really discover what the culprit was behind my underearning beliefs.
“I can only make a certain amount of money”
It has been a scary adventure to embark on. Money has always felt elusive to me, what creates the flow and the lack?
There have been times when I have made more money ( and hated my life, job, and relationship), there have been times when I have had little to no money ( and felt creatively inspired, in love, and happy.)
Throughout my life I have always had some interest in trying to create more wealth and live the life I saw in my dreams.
I have learned money practices, read books on wealth, practiced positive affirmations, done some scavenger work on my money hang-ups, investigate the family I was brought up in and their beliefs on money, and loads and loads of practices on self worth.
Money shame is about as taboo as it gets for me. Not because I want to earn a million dollars a year, but because I have been taught that it represents so much more in our society. The having of it and the lack of it.
If you have it, then it the message has always seemed: you are responsible, make good decisions, have good forethought, have a great self esteem, are well organized, well read, understand how markets work, spend wisely, budget savvy ect.
AND you look good doing it.
The lady I see who represents this is dressed neatly, is put together, lives a life of leisure, and travels often. I see a women with a cardigan draped over her shoulders, drinking a martini, and loudly laughing as she flips her hair.
By contrast, the person who struggles with money, barely makes rent every month, works many jobs, has a creative passion that she would rather be doing than crunching numbers, or book keeping, has an eclectic style, is a free spirit, does what she pleases but faces the money consequences of never really living the free life that she would like to have. She may be an entrepreneur, an independent dreamer, a person that has fun, is the envy of her practical friends, but has an extreme amount of debt with no real plan to get out.
The pursuit for me has been “how do I meld these worlds together?” How can I live this creative, authentic life, where I get to spend time with my family, pursue my passions AND have an abundance of wealth an absence of debt and freedom to travel?
I decided to do this 8 week course because I figured thus far what I have been doing was not working out for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have had some great successes in my life that I’m proud of, that have brought me in income and provided me the life I want to live, but the bigger question for me is how to move beyond that.
How can I move into the next level? What could I do differently? ( what am I doing wrong?)
What I want to share is the truth, that I think sometimes gets forgotten or left out when we tell a really good tale of success. This course has been good, but it wasn’t life or game changing for me, at least not yet.
I’m 6 weeks in with two more to go, and what I want to share is that while the expectation and hope was that I would reach my goal,( which was monetary), what came up was very enlightening, frustrating, and profound all at the same time.
In the beginning of a goal you have a fire under your ass, and are excited about the possibility of attaining that goal, and then the excitement wears off and you are left with doubt, fear, and “this isn’t working”, why am I doing this?”
It takes some encouragement to keep going and the promise that it will turn into something else, but really the only promise that we can give is that IF you do this work you will learn something about yourself. That is it.
But part of this 8 week course is about commitment and not changing course, and so I have been doing the exercises, Visioning, Gratitude, Surrender, Forgiveness, Time Management, Focus, Determination, Tenacity, Showing up.
And while I want to say that I have gone above and beyond to reach my goal, the truth is that the results came in this way, I learned:
When starting something new my first reaction is that I doubt, think it is dumb, simple, and have immediate buyers remorse. I nay say in my head, I think (judge) that quick results like that of people saying “it's working! I started this course and I just got my first million dollar client” is a bunch of bullshit. Comparison is my worst enemy. When I don’t see HUGE results I think “this isn’t working, why am I doing this, this is so simple, this is dumb, what’s the point”
Its both humbling and disappointing when the realization of going for your goal is that the results are sometimes met with an old tape from your childhood ( not this again!), or that the realization that this may be a slow and steady road,or perhaps there is more work to be done.
Its also a great lesson to see that the benefit does necessarily come from the physical thing or achievement that we acquire, that sometimes the result is discovering more of who you are, or who you need to become or are becoming. Sometimes it's about seeing your baggage and allowing it finally to be left behind.
Achievements are nice, having things are great also, but often the biggest successes come from the silent victories that matter only to ourselves. The big rewards still on the horizon sometimes unknown to us.
Right now, where I am takes a bit of faith. It takes trusting in the goal that I went after and trusting all the ways that I have listened to that voice inside me to keep going. This is has become the biggest challenge in fact for me to follow what I feel to be true, and go forth blindly.
Too be continued.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Who knows what's around every corner? Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Maybe the dreams of yesterday, The broken dreams of yesterday. Maybe the dreams of yesterday.